Friday, July 09, 2010

A Note to My Next Mugger

Before you begin mugging me, I'd like to give you a few pointers:

If you're feeling nervous at all, don't worry: I have lots of experience, so I can walk you through the process. The main thing to remember is that I'm more afraid of you than you are of me. If that doesn't help, just imagine me in my underwear. Better yet, make me take my pants off and you can see me in my underwear. If you don't have a gun, tell me that you do, and I am certain to believe you. If you do have a gun, you can shoot me with it, but that should be a last resort.

If you are a woman, as three of my muggers have been, I apologize in advance for telling people that you were a man.

It would be great if you didn't yell too much because that makes me panic a little, which will make you yell more. It's sort of an unpleasant cycle that usually ends with my getting shot or stabbed, and I'd like to think that we both want to avoid that. Also, if you could make an effort not to rush me, I think everything will go much more smoothly. Ironically, it seems like the less I'm rushed, the quicker the mugging is. I could be wrong, but it has always seemed that way to me.

If you plan to attack me, I would appreciate your not attacking me from behind. I might instinctively try to resist if I don't see you coming, and then you might instinctively shoot or stab me. I would prefer, of course, that you not attack me at all. A menacing look is all that is required.

I keep my wallet in my right back pocket. Don't worry, there's no chain or anything. I keep an emergency twenty in my sock, but I would prefer your not taking in it. In exchange, I won't report my credit cards stolen for 24 hours. This way, I get to take a cab home, and you can get a few things with my credit card.

I do not wear any jewelry, but after the mugging, since you'll have my credit cards, you can buy some if you'd like. I know a good jeweler. He's a friend of the family, so if you say you know me, he'll give you a deal.

When you've gotten everything you need, you can tie me to a nearby fence or sign. Just for this purpose, I always keep some rope that doesn't chafe against my skin but still holds fast.

That really covers everything. Every mugger has his own interpretation of how to do a proper mugging, so I will respect your decisions. But if you follow my advice, the whole mugging can be as quick as a handshake.

I look forward to being mugged by you, and good luck!


Anonymous said...

before i mug you i need to know if you would later be willing for me to remunerate you through some sort of victim/criminal reconciliation program? because i am really a decent person whose life has been dramatically altered by the need for illegal drugs. This habit drives me to do horrible things, like mugging you. so i really want to be sure you are willing to make up later once i finally get my act together.

Advanced Genius Theory said...

That won't be a problem at all. Though you might just want to send it directly the person who will mug me at that time.